“It wasn't a diagnose I needed. I needed to get understood”

Coach Ansku asked if I wanted to share a little about my story of living in a body that has been experiencing lots of pain and symptoms, and what my thoughts are about needing to be diagnosed, in a process like mine. 

Long story made short is that the body I am living in has been having having lots of pains almost as long as I can remember. 

I am a former Swedish elite weightlifter and did use my body pretty much only as a tool to reach a goal for many years. After I did stop competing, 16 years ago, the body did carry many pains and I think I have tried all possible and impossible treatments, but without much success.

I tried all kinds of yoga, and I did stretch for hours. I went seeing chiropractic practice's, massage therapists, naprapaths, coaches, body workers, multiple physiotherapists and doctors. And believe me when I say that EVERYONE had a lable and a diagnose for me. It was scoliosis, it was just short and stiff muscles, it was bad posture, it was the wrong diet, it was different sized legs, it was chronic, it was easily fixed, I shouldn't experince so much pain, I was a mystery, I was untreatable.

And one time I even got (mis)diagnosed with severe ostheoarthis from a physiotherapist in the western medicine field - after being measured with a measure tape in certain positions. This did really freake me out, as  osteoarthritis is kind of a serious condition.

And never did someone manage to meet me where my mind and body was at, or manage to provide me help to move out from the pain and symptoms I did struggle with. I just got all these different labels of my symptoms thrown at me (which just made me feel hopeless) and I got no guidenace of how to heal, change or adapt to my bodily sensations. And the more I got to hear what was wrong with me, the more hopeless I felt. 

And don't I get me wrong, I do really understand the meaning of getting a diagnose, in order to be treated the right way. But for me, it wasn't a diagnose I needed. I needed to get understood. To get my hope back. To get a path to walk, and a way to move out from the state of feeling helpless, stuck and constantly in pain. And that was much more important than getting a name for what was wrong with me.

And when I met coach Ansku, I did for the first time meet someone who did understand my struggle and did meet me like a whole human being - with both a body AND a mind that was connected and interacting. From her guideance I did start to UNDERSTAND my body and why I had all these symptoms and how to slowly build a way out from them. 

I didn't get a diagnose. But I got something much more valuable for me; I got a path to travel and many many tools to help this body mind system to find a more constructive and sustainable way of living. A way, which by time, did actually make my (chronic) symptoms and pains to slowly fade away, as I never believed was possible. And it wasn't only the bodily symptoms that faded away, I have learned how to calm down an overloaded nervous system and changed the way stress impacts my system - which I absolutely didn't expect or even knew was possible. 

I wouldn't say that I am done or healed yet, but I can say that I for the first time in my life feel that I have hope. I feel like I have power, knowledge and wisdom to choose wise actions that help me move away from the pain, and build towards pleasant sensations in my body for the long run. 

I am day by day growing a conscious attitude and a wise relationship with my body and mind, and I am deeping the understanding of how one affect another (-and that you never really can separate those two, especially not when it comes to healing from pain or illness). 

And by my very own resources I am slowly building away from my symptoms and creating conditions needed for my body and mind to grow towards experiencing feeling free, happy, supported, safe and capable. 

To me, this feels like pure magic. 

And it happens without even being diagnosed. Or maybe it happens just because of that.